Confessions of a Rule-Follower

Recently as I’ve been thinking about confession, there are certainly things that I feel very convicted about.  I think we all have things in our lives that constantly beset us.  For some it is an addiction to drugs or alcohol; others deal with sexual sins.   Just as some are always fighting the battle with these things in their mind and in their body, so it is with me.  But my pet sin is different because it makes one look good on the outside.

I struggle with pride.

Every day, in many different situations, just as an addict thinks about whatever they are addicted to, my mind runs to prideful thoughts.  It is my most natural tendency.  Being an American also adds to my sense of pride/privilege.

Like me, many people who deal with pride are rule-followers.  We enjoy having rules and keeping them, because it is a way to keep score.  It’s a way to look good in front of others, and to know where we stand.

With us rule-followers, it’s all about our reputation.

That’s why one of my favorite characters in the Bible is Jesus’ stepfather, Joseph.  He was a rule-follower too.  As a Jewish man, he kept the law scrupulously.  Then one day, he was confronted with a pregnant fiancé.  He knew what the law said he should do, and he was determined to do it.  But the Lord spoke to him and told him to take Mary as his wife, which he did, of course.  Joseph’s reputation was ruined.  He would never again be looked upon as a rule-follower, as an observant Jew.

Sometimes God calls us prideful people to give up our reputation, to do something that many people will think is wrong.

So Joseph is a hero of sorts to me.

I’ve dealt with pride for a long time, and I’ve learned that there are things that I must build into my life to guard against it.  Just as an addict must take steps to rid the temptations out of her life, so must I take steps to keep it in check.

One of the things I do is to have some secret service that I do.  This is something that I do away from the eyes of people.  Even if people know about it, I try to talk about the details of it sparingly, only amongst my family and closest friends.  Having a secret service lets none of it be done for my own glory.

Another determination I’ve made in dealing with pride is to work at any job that comes my way.  If I have the opportunity to teach, that’s great, because that’s what I love.  But I try never to think that because I teach, other more menial jobs are beneath me.  If I can help by cleaning a toilet, or picking up trash, or changing diapers, I try to be the first to step up, because nothing IS beneath me.  And because Jesus called us to wash each other’s feet, just as He did for His disciples.

Washing feet is dirty, low-down business.

Another thing that’s helped me with pride is working with kids.  Children have a way of putting you in your place.  I’ve had a whole career full of it.

Then there’s the fact that once you start talking about your pride and writing about it on a blog, you could once again be prideful.  I deal with that thought with the hope that by talking about it I may help someone else that struggles with this same sin.

There are sins of the heart and mind that we don’t talk about very much.  We hear many more sermons in our churches about abortion, addiction, sexual sin, etc.  Every time those sins are preached about, a rule-follower puts a check beside it and say, “I’m good.  I’m not guilty of any of that.”  But many of us have things lurking in our hearts and in our brains that are never dealt with, and here’s hoping that these words may help someone dealing with the problem of pride.

Thoughts on Confession

I just finished reading this book.

Recently the readings were about confession among Christians.  Here are some of Bonhoeffer's thoughts on the matter.  They are very challenging.

 ‘In confession there takes place a breakthrough to community. Sin wants to be alone with people. It takes them away from the community. The more lonely people become, the more destructive the power of sin over them. The more deeply they become entangled in it, the more unholy is their loneliness. Sin wants to remain unknown. It shuns the light. In the darkness of what is left unsaid sin poisons the whole being of a person. This can happen in the midst of a pious community. In confession the light of the gospel breaks into the darkness and closed isolation of the heart. Sin must be brought into the light. What is unspoken is said openly and confessed. All that is secret and hidden comes to light. It is a hard struggle until the sin crosses one’s lips in confession. But God breaks down gates of bronze and cuts through bars of iron (Ps. 107:16) Since the confession of sin is made in the presence of another Christian, the last stronghold of self-justification is abandoned. The sinner surrenders, giving up all evil, giving the sinner’s heart to God and finding the forgiveness of all one’s sin in the community of Jesus Christ and other Christians. Sin that has been spoken and confessed has lost all of its power. It has been revealed and judged as sin. It can no longer tear apart the community.’

‘In this connection, we are talking exclusively about confession between two Christians. A confession of sin in the presence of all the members of the congregation is not required to restore one to community with the entire congregation. In the one other Christian to whom I confess my sins and by whom my sins are declared forgiven, I meet the whole congregation.’

‘In confession there occurs a breakthrough to the cross. The root of all my sin is pride.’

‘Confession in the presence of another believer is the most profound kind of humiliation. It hurts, makes one feel small; it deals a terrible blow to one’s pride.’

‘It is none other than Jesus Christ who openly suffered the shameful death of a sinner in our place, who was not ashamed to be crucified for us as an evildoer. And it is nothing else but our community with Jesus Christ that leads us to the disgraceful dying that comes in confession, so that we may truly share in this cross. The cross of Jesus Christ shatters all pride.’

These words have made me think more deeply about confession and about the sin that I deal with in my own life.  I’ve been going to church so long and been a Christian most of my life.  As I’ve matured there are many sins that I deal with less and less because I have been weeding them out of my life for years.  That makes it easy for me to think, “I’m OK.”

And then I come across a prayer like this written long ago and contained in a book of common prayers…

Most holy and merciful Father:

I confess to you and to the whole communions of saints in heaven and on earth, that I have sinned by my own fault in thought, word, and deed; by what I have done, and by what I have left undone.

I have not loved you with my whole heart, and mind, and strength.  I have not loved my neighbors as myself.  I have not forgiven others, as I have been forgiven.  Have mercy on me, Lord.

I have been deaf to your call to serve, as Christ served us.  I have not been true to Christ.  I have grieved the Holy Spirit.  Have mercy on me, Lord.

I confess to you, Lord, all my past unfaithfulness: the pride, hypocrisy, and impatience of my life.  I confess to you, Lord.

My self-indulgent appetites and ways, and my exploitation of other people, I confess to you, Lord.

My anger at my own frustration, and my envy of those more fortunate than I, I confess to you, Lord.

My intemperate love of worldly goods and comforts, and my dishonesty in daily life and work, I confess to you, Lord.

My negligence in prayer and worship, and my failure to commend the faith that is in me, I confess to you, Lord.

Accept my repentance, Lord, for the wrongs I have done: for my blindness to human need and suffering, and my indifference to injustice and cruelty, accept my repentance, Lord.

For all false judgments, for uncharitable thoughts toward my neighbors, and for my prejudice and contempt toward those who differ from me, accept my repentance, Lord.

For my waste and pollution of your creation, and my lack of concern for those who come after us, accept my repentance, Lord.

Restore me, good Lord, and let your anger depart from me, favorably hear me for your mercy is great.

Accomplish in me and all of your church the work of your salvation, that I may show forth your glory in the world.

By the cross and passion of your Son our Lord, bring me with all your saints to the joy of his resurrection.

I come across a prayer like this, and I realize I’m not OK.  I’ll never be OK.  I realize that there is much that God still wants to deal with in my life.  I am glad for the work that remains to be done in my life, the work of conforming me to the image of Jesus.  It’s a work that lasts a lifetime.

For Kathryn: On Crossing the Lake

I’m sitting here in this sweet spot, on my couch in the Loon’s Nest.  I’m looking out across the lake and thinking of you.

We’ve had conversations about where you are in your life, in your career.  There’s always the thought that maybe you could do something different, be someplace else.  What common thoughts these are for someone in your stage of life.  I remember having the same thoughts too.  “Is this all I can do?  Isn’t there more?  Isn’t there something more exciting, more inspiring?”

And the answer may be “No.”

Like a person swimming across a lake, once in the middle you wonder about the wisdom of the undertaking.  You’ve gone too far to turn back.  And so you forge ahead, always dreaming of more.

Speaking as someone who has “crossed the lake” let me tell you something.  There’s something to be said for being in your career for the long haul.  You come out on the far shore and look back over the expanse of the water and realize what you’ve accomplished.  As a teacher, you reflect on the lives you’ve touched, the difference you’ve made in so many students.

 

It’s very satisfying.

You are in deep water.  The shore is far off.  But “do not grow weary in well-doing.”  There will be many trials and rewards along the way.  Take some time this summer to just float along for a while.  Find some refreshment in you time off.  Then you’ll be ready to begin again when the next school year rolls around.

But you never know.  Maybe a boat will come along and take you in a completely different direction.  And wouldn’t’ that be a good thing too? 

What Being a Teacher Has Meant to Me

For the past three years I have been retired but working at my job in a part-time position.  I have made the decision to fully retire in order to pursue other interests that are developing in my life.  This decision has made me take some time to stop and reflect on what my career has meant to me.  I have loved being a teacher, and I have gained so much from my profession.  Here are some of the things that have meant the most to me.

1.  Relationships with students
          I have taught a lot of students over the course of 35 years, and one thing has not changed in all this time. I love working with kids.  Kids are funny and interesting and challenging.  I have learned as much from them as I ever taught them.  I am thankful for the work I do at Camp of the Woods that will enable me to continue to have relationships with kids.  I will also add that in my years of teaching 4th grade I think the greatest relationship-building activity I did with students was to read aloud to them every day.  In that time we shared common stories that we could continually revisit.  We discussed issues brought out in the reading. We shared an emotional bond as we laughed and cried together.  Many times I've had former students tell me, "I remember when I was in your class we read Where the Red Fern Grows (or any number of other books)."  Finally I'll tell you this.  Sharing a book read aloud is not the same as watching a movie together.

Reading to my class back in 1991

2.  Time to work/Time to play
          Although the school day can be long and hard and can often extend well beyond the 3:15 dismissal time, teaching has afforded me meaningful work balanced with lots of time off.  Since Phil and I were both teachers we had the benefit of both of us being off with our own children during breaks and during the summer.  Teaching allowed us time as a family to travel and enjoy each other's company while at home.

3.  An outlet for creativity
          One of the things I've enjoyed most about teaching is being creative in sharing information with students, and also giving students creative ways to share what they learned.  In my years at Sequatchie County Middle School and Griffith Elementary some of my favorite projects were the musicals we produced each year, the wax museum project that continues as a tradition to this day, and the Under the Sea project which included an "underwater research laboratory."  As the ACE teacher at Griffith I loved engaging the students with music and storytelling.  My favorite project as the drama teacher was the detective unit that I did each year with third graders.

4.  Outstanding students
          For the past 14 years in Bledsoe County, I've had the privilege of teaching some of the best and brightest students a teacher could ask for.  Many of them have gone on to careers in law, medicine, education, engineering and other professions.  I have enjoyed every minute of Science Olympiad participation, especially trips to the state tournament at UTK.  My favorite project with my ACE students has to have been our Bead for Life project.  No project I ever undertook touched so many important ideas and benefitted more people both here and in the far reaches of the world.

5.  Colleagues I cherish
          I have had the privilege of working with so many wonderful people.  Many of these teachers are life-long friends.  Even though I rarely see many of them these days, I still feel connected to them and count them as important characters in the story of my life.  I raised my children along with theirs, and had many of their children as students.  I will never get over all the positive things that have been added to my life because of these cherished colleagues.

6.  Continual learning
          As a teacher you always have to be learning new things.  When I began my career the only technologies we had in the classroom were film strips and reel-to-reel films that arrived at the school monthly.  I was one of the first to get a "21st Century Classroom" in Sequatchie County, and I found all of that very exciting, including a cutting-edge (at that time) project called "Marsville."  But technology was not the only avenue I pursued to maintain my educational skills.  Three times I had the great opportunity of attending the Tennessee Arts Academy on the campus of Belmont University.  Those three weeks developed my skills as a storyteller and enriched my life more than anyone will ever know.

7.  Pure joy
          There's something great to be said about getting to do something you love, and something that seems to be a perfect fit for all your interests and abilities.  That's why teaching has been such a source of joy in my life.  I feel that I landed in the perfect career for me, and I have nothing but gratitude for all I have gained from my life as a teacher.

My final field trip with this outstanding group of students